My Amazing Group of Friends

I love my friends. 

I seriously do. My college friends are the best group of people ever. We're always being weird, staying in the dining hall until it closes, staying up until 2am watching random YouTube videos, playing intense games of pool in the Buttery, and staying up until 4 am talking about anything and everything, are among the highlights of our adventures so far.     

I hadn't felt like I had a good group of friends like this for a while. I feel happy and content, and safe with them. We're always laughing and joking around, but can be serious if we need to also. Every night I come back to my dorm happy because I feel like I belong somewhere. I don't feel like an outsider anymore. I know it sounds really stupid, but in high school I definitely didn't feel like I belonged there at all. Every weekend I would be upset and alone. Now, every weekend I have amazing people to hang out with and stay up late talking with. It's wonderful. I was always envious of the groups on the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S or That 70s Show and now I have a friend group like that of my own and it makes me so happy. 

I'm glad I found these great people. :)  

My First College Essay

My first college essay was one that I was afraid to hand in. I put a lot of effort into making it perfect. It's always frightening to hand in an essay to a new teacher without knowing how they grade, and at a college level I wasn't sure what to expect. 

My professor was handing back all the essays, but she didn't call my name. She still had one left and she took me aside at the end of class. I was terrified. I knew I had probably screwed it up, or it was the worst possible essay in the world or I missed the whole point of the assignment. What she said wasn't the case at all.

She told me my essay  was amazing and didn't need to be revised because my writing was concise and clear, and all the formatting was perfect. She told me it was a great paper and that she was glad I was an elementary education major because they needed more people who knew how to write. 

I was shocked. (In a good way!) I couldn't get rid of that smile on my face as I walked back to my dorm. This was something new for me. All last year the highest I would get on an essay was a B. And it was always a low B on the verge of a C. I worked so darn hard last year to improve my essays. I'd ask the teacher for help, I'd get other people to review it and give me tips, I'd spend so much time trying to write an "A" worthy paper but I never succeeded. I got the impression that I was a terrible writer and my self confidence last year waned. 

I don't feel stupid or worthless here. That is one big difference between my high school and the amazing college I attend now. Professors here actually want to help students succeed in life, not tell them to figure everything out on their own and fail. 

Now my professor told me to keep up the good work, but she helps me improve even more on my writing because there's always something you can improve on. So now I feel good about myself because I'm being told I'm doing something right for a change instead of being told I fail at everything. 

College is turning out to be a wonderful experience for me so far!  

A Wonderful Beginning

I've been at college for a little over a week and it has inspired me in so many ways! I'm finally situated in the place I'll call home for the next four years.  

I can't get over how incredibly friendly everyone is here! It's a huge change from my high school. The aspect of community here is huge. There is SO much I want to talk about because it's so wonderful! So many new experiences!

It's weird, I know, but I'm not used to people being so nice. And to wanting to get to know me and care about my well-being. Outside of my family, nobody has really been like that before. Only people I've met here have. I haven't been this happy in such a long time! Or free, and relaxed, and...comfortable.

I've found a great group of people who I can be myself with and not worry about being judged. I'm not afraid to leave my comfort zones here and experience all there is this college has to offer. I've experienced gong meditation which is extremely weird, yet relaxing at the same time. I'm getting involved in clubs that I never would have thought would interest me before. It's all about finding out who I am and who I want to be as an individual. I feel that this college is the best place to do that. 

Basically what I've taken away from these past two weeks are: Live in the moment. There's no need to hurry or rush, just go with the flow. Know the obligations and the responsibilities, but don't stress about them, or dwell on them until they happen. Be free, be happy, love life!

Summer of Healing Before College

For the past few days I've been feeling a heck of a lot better than I did after my concussion. I'm able to stand up and walk around on my own now which seems pretty weird that it would be something I'm happy about, but after not being able to for two weeks it's a big deal. I'm actually starting to get back to normal! 

Yesterday my blood work came back and it explains a lot. I found out the reasoning behind why I felt so sick for a week before fainting, as well as the reason why I fainted in the first place. Two irritations called Lyme Disease and Mono are to blame.  

I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I happened to get sick this summer because there were underlying things making me feel constantly tired that needed to be fixed to make me better. This way I will be able to be as healthy as possible for college.  So even though I can't go do any physical activity because of my concussion, and I have to take what feels like a ton of medicine for a while to get rid of the sicknesses and boost up my immune system, I'll feel way better when I'm done. That's what I keep telling myself.

Instead of this being the summer full of fun before going off to college, it will be the summer of healing so that I will be able to have an amazing time in college and not have any health issues in my way.

An Exciting Event...yet not in a Good Way

I'm not sure how coherent or creative this post will actually be considering the head trauma I went through within the past few days, but I'll make it work the best I can. This is something that I need to get out in the process of getting better, but it is still frightening to me. 

Here's what happened: 

All last week I was feeling sick. As in absolutely no energy, every joint in my body ached, I had chills, and had a low grade fever. I figured it was only, you know, a summer cold or small sickness that would go away with proper hydration and rest. I'm thinking that I was wrong...

Saturday morning I was up and out of bed by 5:30 am. I hadn't slept well at all that night and I felt sick still. All I wanted to do was take a shower in the hope that being clean would make me feel better. At that point my head was killing me, and I should have known that the headache was worse than it had been. Yet, I just pushed it aside as just being another symptom of being sick and took my hot shower, which turned out to be a bit too hot for someone with a fever. 

I got out and felt like I was seriously going to throw up. It was at the point where you just know its coming and there isn't anything you can do to stop it so you just accept it and brace for the worst. I managed to get dressed before standing at the sink and "seeing stars". Seriously. It isn't an exaggeration or only something that happens in cartoons apparently.

The next thing I knew my parents were waking me up and asking me if I knew where I was. I was mildly confused because it felt like they were waking me up from bed, but then I realized that I was on the bathroom floor and the back of my head was in pain. My mom explained to me that I fell and hit my head so I needed to stay still to wait for the ambulance. After hearing that I was surprisingly calm. Even throughout the rest of the time at the hospital I wasn't freaking out. I still find that odd, but I guess it would have been worse if I was scared.  

Anyway, since I don't feel like getting into all those hospital details right now, the end result of all that was eleven staples to the back of my head and a bruised brain. 

And it doesn't end there. Two days later I was getting ready to go out and get some fresh air when I passed out again. Luckily this time my Mom was standing there to catch me and gently put me on the ground so I didn't hurt myself again. This time when they woke me up from the bathroom floor I was scared and far from calm. I didn't need an ambulance this time, but I did have to go back to the hospital and spend the night for observation. 

I'm just going to give the general details because my head is still kind of sore and I don't want to give all the details because they still scare me too. I felt the need to write it out though in the process to get back to normalcy. The reason behind why I fainted this time was because I was low on protein and apparently get low blood pressure when I go to stand up for a long period of time. All the while run down from a minor sickness that was running through my system. 

Right now my headache of four days is finally gone. My energy is starting to come back as I'm able to get food into my system even with a lack of appetite. I don't leave the couch without a pile of pillows either. I'm okay when I stand up, it's just that my eyes and head are still...off but that's a result of my bruised brain. And my staples are sore if I sit back on them by accident, and my ears ring occasionally. I also get random bursts of laughter, but that's not really that unusual for me. The main problem is the paranoia of fainting again because it's terrifying not having control over my body and not being able to stop it. 

I hope that I can get back to normal again soon. It would be nice to be able to get back to being able to enjoy my summer instead of being stuck on the couch the whole time. I just have to keep thinking positive thoughts and I'll get there. 

I Made It!

I just woke up and it hit me. This is it. High school is over.

And you know what I did? I smiled. 

I thought I'd be more emotional honestly. I kept thinking that I'd get home and start bawling my eyes out because of this HUGE change in my life. The disruption of a routine, the loss of comforting familiar faces, at least having an inkling as to what was coming next... the list goes on. 

But looking back at all the pictures from senior year, even all through high school, I realized that I'll always have the memories of the time spent with all those wonderful people. I shouldn't waste time being upset when I should be celebrating this major milestone and looking forward to the journey still ahead of me! I mean, of course I'll be sad, but I won't let it consume me. Not this time. 

I can't believe I made it to this point in my life already. Yesterday, after I sat back in my chair after getting my diploma, I looked it over in my hands and realized how real the moment was. Up until then everything had been a blur. I wasn't able to simply think about being in the moment until that very second.

I'm a high school graduate!

And so the Overwhelming Mix of Emotions Begins...

I graduate high school in eight days. 

This fact just hit me, and boy did it hit hard. Last weekend I thought to myself, "Oh, there's still plenty of time left. Nothing to worry about!" Well, I was wrong. Eight days is not a lot of time.  

I want to cheer and cry at the same time. It's bittersweet, really is what it is. I want to be done with all this unnecessary stress, yet at the same time I'm going to miss a lot too. 

I'll miss the routine of going to school, and all the great teachers I had and the great classes I had the opportunity of taking. I'm going to miss all the great memories that happened over these past four years. I feel like they are real and actually happened while I'm still connected to the school. I'm afraid that they'll fade once I leave and they'll only be as if I imagined them all. I don't want the good memories to disappear. I don't even want the bad memories to disappear either because they make my experience that much more believable and real. 

I never want to forget all the people who have made my high school experience amazing in one way or another. All the teachers who believed in me, the bus driver who got me to and from school safely every day for the past four years, all the friends who made each day of school worth it, and the friends who made me smile and laugh. The Senior Prom date who made me feel special and important for once and treated me with respect, and helped to make that night the best it could ever possibly be. The Marine Bio teacher who wrote a message in my yearbook that I will always repeat in my head every single day and live by his words. The World History teacher who still cared about his students two years after they moved on and continued to email them with inspiring messages to make the long stretch towards graduation worth it, and to let them know that they aren't alone. The boy who stole a slow dance at Senior Prom and ended it with a spin that made me feel bubbly and break out into a smile that stuck with me for the entirety of that night. 

There have been so many other parts of the past four years that were wonderful too, but these were the ones that really stick out to me at this moment in time. 

It's the little things in my life that have the most meaning. I don't always like to focus on the big picture. All the little details that make up that picture are much more enjoyable and important. I feel like you'd miss the whole point if you didn't look deeper and take the time to appreciate it all.

This is just one wave of the spiraling emotions that are being hurled my way. Trust me, within the next few days there will be many, many, more. They'll range from feeling optimistic about graduating to wanting to just cry because it's ending. I just have to keep telling myself that it's all a normal part of this journey though.  

Fairy Gardens!

Lately my family has become obsessed with making fairy gardens. The whole weekend has pretty much been dedicated to this! Today we went to Salem Herb Farm and found a ton of unique plants to put in our gardens. 

Fairy gardens

"Unicorn". Seriously, that's the name of this plant! It's super cool. 

Overhead view of my fairy garden. 

It's still a work in progress, but I think it looks really cool right now as is. More posts will come about my garden as I continue to add to it! :)  

Planting Myself at Green Mountain College

Yesterday I went to the spring Open House at Green Mountain College and after that experience I feel absolutely positive that I made the right choice in applying there. I love everything about this college! The professors were talking about how they care about their students and want to help them become the best they can possibly be. Current students talked about how close the campus community is. Nobody judges each other, and they are all one big welcoming family. Even just walking through campus, every single person I passed would smile and say "hello!" or want to start up a conversation that made me feel like I was truly important and worth paying attention to. 

Open House welcome gift: Tomato seeds! :) 

These seeds were planted with all my hopes for my college experience there for the next four years. And as these seeds grow, so will I. As these small, fragile tomato seeds start to sprout, branch out and become healthy, strong plants, I will grow and become the well rounded individual that I was meant to be.   

GMC seeds, soil blocks, and a dibble :) 

After yesterday I've felt so inspired. I was starting to give up on my writing and photography, but now I feel incredibly motivated to continue with my passions and not let anything get in my way. That's the other thing I love about GMC. It's an environment where people can explore their passions and do what they love without being criticized or told that they will never be successful with what they want to do. Professors there want to help students become successful no matter what their passions are. 

Tomato seeds planted in the soil blocks.

I feel like I'll be able to grow at Green Mountain College. I'll get stronger and be able to break out of my shell. I won't be afraid of everything, I'll get involved in activities, and be able to just be myself. 

I look forward to this incredible journey ahead of me! 

Fresh Air and a Bicyle

The sun is shining, there's not a cloud in the sky, and the temperature is almost 50 degrees. Today is an absolutely beautiful day. 

I've been looking forward to the spring weather for a while now. This winter seemed like it would never end! Don't get me wrong, I love snow, but after a while it tends to become unappealing. Once March comes around I prefer to start seeing life come back to all the trees, and to see flowers blooming again. 

I also decided to go for a bike ride today. I had forgotten how good it felt, it's been such a long time since I've been on a  bike! I seriously needed that dose of fresh air to clear my head and realize that it only gets better from here. 

Let Me Explain...

When I made it apparent that I wasn't going to be posting anything new on my blog for a while, I really wasn't in the most positive mind set. I had been beating myself up over stupid little things and it escalated to the point where I decided to stop writing completely. I simply gave it up because I told myself I wouldn't ever be successful anyway so why bother. That lasted for a few days, but nothing beneficial came of it. I found myself itching to write and I eventually couldn't keep myself from doing so. So many words poured out of me once I started to write again. It was like everything that I had been keeping inside my head for those few days needed to escape and be free. I know now that I truly could never give up my passion because it's a part of me. Writing is a prominent part of my existence that I would honestly feel lost without.

So that leaves the question about what to do now.

I must admit is that all the optimistic quotes and pieces of advice that I continuously posted about were an attempt to boost my self-confidence. I was sick of being negative all the time and feeling so miserable that I thought preaching positivity would eventually rub off on my own personal ways of thinking. For the most part it helped, but only when I was feeling in especially good moods. When I didn't post for days, weeks, months even, it was because I couldn't think of anything happy to write about. Then I continued to be miserable.

Well, I'm sick of being miserable. I'm going to start taking my own advice and try to find something hopeful in every day, no matter how horrible the day may have been. This is my senior year of high school. I don't want to ruin it and only remember having an awful time when I think back on it. I also don't want to be in a negative mindset as I get ready to enter college and chance missing out on new and exciting experiences.

So here it is. Time to start actually living the life I've been presenting all this time instead of only talking about it.

There will not be any more posts on the blog until further notice. 

So I've Read Another Great Book...

This statement is entirely, one hundred percent true. Whenever I pick up a book that completely captures my attention and seems to consume my life I have a difficult time adjusting back to the real world. This just happened to me after I read I've Got Your Number by Sophie Kinsella. 

Basically the main character Poppy, feels so lucky to be marrying her dream man until she loses the engagement ring in a hotel fire drill. Not only that, but she loses her cell phone that same day. She finds an abandoned cell phone just sitting in a trash bin that she immediately takes for herself and uses until she can get her own back. The phone she finds happens to be a company phone that a PA just tossed aside when she quit, so all emails pertaining to businessman, Sam, are there for Poppy to read. Sam of course wants the phone back, but Poppy refuses and bargains to forward all important emails and calls to him if she can keep it until she finds her ring. Poppy snoops through all the emails of course and finds out a lot about Sam's personal life, and eventually becomes involved in helping solve a major company scandal. She has to deal with all that along with wedding preparations and mysterious behavior from her boyfriend. 

It was a fantastic book! From the minute I picked it up I couldn't put it down, and when I eventually had to, it was all I could think about. The characters are all so real. There's also different parts of this story to follow along with as you read too which made it even more exciting. There's Poppy's problem of trying to find her lost engagement ring while hiding this fact from her boyfriend, the company scandal she gets sucked into, and mixed emotions. It's a sort of love story and a mystery all wrapped up into one. Then events seem to be going in one direction and then something entirely different happens which will make you go, "WHAT?!" multiple times throughout it. (In a good way!) The only part I wasn't too particularly fond of was the  f-bomb being dropped continuously throughout the novel, but it doesn't ruin the story at all. That's a personal complaint I had, but its very minor. 

So, check this book out! 

One Less Obstacle

Today my Introduction to Speech teacher told us to all link arms in a circle. Then she told us we were all connected and would be going through the very last speech of the course together, as one. It was powerful because we all went into the class not really knowing each other, and by the end we've become a big family who supports each other and doesn't judge, and realizes that we are all human so we make mistakes. We had created a comforting environment.

I can't believe I'm actually going to miss class, when in the very beginning I wanted to drop it so I wouldn't have to go through with the torture of getting up in front of the class to talk for an extended period of time. 

It's amazing how much I have changed since that very first class. I completely freaked out when I had that first speech where I had to compare myself to an inanimate object. And that was only for two minutes! I pretty much read off of my note cards and barely made any eye contact with the class. I also talked really really fast because I was so nervous. After giving that speech I dreaded the rest of the course. 

Then here it is, roughly five months later and I'm getting up ON STAGE to give an inspirational speech for eleven minutes. This time I wasn't crippled by nerves. I was actually excited to get up there and talk! 

I'm honestly proud of myself for sticking it out and not dropping the class when there was a chance to. I had enough courage to get over my fears of public speaking. If I can conquer a fear that had consumed a large part of my life for so long, then I can pretty much do anything I put my mind to.

I know it may not seem all that important, but to me it makes a huge impact because there is one less obstacle on the path on this journey of mine.

   

A Very Brief Post

Seriously, though. Always be awesome. Happy Friday! 

We Are Like Snowflakes

People are like snowflakes. Some snowflakes have branches that point out around the edges, while others are more rounded. Some snowflakes are big while others are small. No two are the same in any way yet they are all still beautiful. Just like looking different from everyone else still makes you a beautiful human being. And when all those snowflakes come together they create something magnificent. Every single human being contributes to the beauty of this world. It’s the differences that make the world amazing. Today I’m going to be talking about loving your imperfections and the importance of not comparing yourself to anyone else because everyone is unique and those “imperfections” are essentially what makes you, you!

When you really think about why you would pick out certain traits and label them as imperfect it’s easy to follow the path of thinking all the way back to what you've seen before to make you change your mind. If you had never looked at that picture in a magazine of the model with flawless, smooth skin, and a tiny waist, you would never look at yourself and compare. If you hadn’t seen another person who looked different than you, you wouldn’t take another look at yourself in the mirror and question anything. If nobody had anyone else to base their looks off of, we’d all look at ourselves and be happy with what we saw. Unfortunately this isn’t the case in our society today. Magazines have articles about how to have flawless skin and how to become a size zero. Models that are labeled as “plus size” aren’t overweight at all. If a girl isn’t an extremely low size then she is considered “plus”. This is absolutely ridiculous. The media shouldn’t be determining what is “beautiful” and what isn’t.

You also shouldn’t compare yourself to other people because everyone is different. That is where most of the self-conscious thoughts come from because once you start to compare yourself to someone else, you put yourself down because you don’t look the same way and start to believe that there’s something wrong with you. In reality, we are all different. We’re all perfect in our own special way. Next time you look in the mirror and think “imperfection” think “I’m perfection” instead, because it’s true. You really are perfect in your own way.

I've spent a lot of time dwelling on my own “imperfections” until I listened to Natasha Beddingfield's song "Freckles" and started to feel better about myself. She is completely right when she mentions how when you look in the mirror you instantly hate what you see because of all the influences from the media about beauty. Now that I think about it, all my imperfections truly are traits that make up who I am as a person and what makes me unique. I spent so much time hating all my freckles but I decided to embrace them and love them instead because they're a part of me. Everybody else out there who has a trait that they don’t like about themselves should try to embrace it instead of hating it. Whether it is freckles, or your hair style, or even your height, start acknowledging it as being a part of you that nobody can take away because it makes you truly amazing in your own way.   

To quote Natasha Beddingfield, “Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable, they show your personality inside your heart, reflecting who you are”.